and the reasons to quit don't outnumber half the reasons why

[satyrica]

I am a slug & have been slugging around in the most frustrating kinda way for the last couple of weeks: appeased by the glutenous dripfeed of TV shows I watch despite the conscious awareness of their worthless lack of craftsmanship and replacing the active pursuit of the company of friends with the safe remoteness of passively absorbing their data footprints, made lethargic by the very lack of stimulation the daily routine of my work is offering.

Luckily, having been annoyed with myself for not getting motivated about doing anything other than cam stuff (not that that's in itself bad: the National was pretty cool & there's some fun Runnymede stuff going on at the mo) this weekend has been encouragingly sociable and active.


Friday night we were descended on by people for video watching (Love Actually: a few funny moments but generally remarkably tepid; interesting that a film so cynically hooked towards ther American market does the PM-standing-up-to-the President wish-fulfilment thing though) which was cool.
Saturday went to Oxford to see L. & eidolonarchie for a session of the Mopey Fuck Club where we failed to sort out our lives: I did charity shop on the Cowley Rd. though and as a result have started reading again which is very positive, having previously started something that was failing to inspire me but then not reading anything else until I'd finished that, as is my slightly neurotic wont.
Then today I spent the afternoon with a bunch of people from my social work course I haven't seen in ages: impressed that most of them have actually gone into statutary work & wondering if I might still go that way. (Also impressed that the ones who are married with kids or over thirty or whatever seem just like me & haven't metamorphosed into a new species or something.) & This evening went to see a bunch of short films the Queeruption people were showing (who I haven't done any stuff with for aaaaages) which were all suitably random (seeing a woman cycling hands-free naked while yodelling and another expressing her disappointment that so many S&M spaces have a 'no chainsaws' rule obviously important parts of anyone's cultural education) & was nice although the guy I find it easiest to get on with there is going travelling for a year.

So hopefully this will be the start of me being a bit more active & motivated about doing stuff (writing, seeing friends, political stuff, films & plays, anything really) although conversely I suddenly need to watch my spending a bit more than usual since I've decided to go to Glastonbury. And Las Vegas. (my cousin's getting married there) at exactly the time my job's coming to an end & I've tied up a bunch of cash in an ISA.

In fact, I suspect my job ending in May (not that I'm desperate to hang on there, I need a change) is probably why I'm having all these 'so where am I actually going with all this' niddlings at the moment: a smattering of dreams and ambitions lying by the wayside only ever attempted in the most half-arsed of fashions, a couple of weeks shy of sliding into the next tick-box along on the form-filling age categories, handing my Young Person's Railcard in at the door on the way out. I used to want to create, to be famed and respected, then I wanted to help people, to Make A Difference, now I don't seem to have any passion for anything or ambition beyond continuing an existence I spend most of my time distracting myself from the reality of. So where am I going with all this?

Comments

[anonymous-james.livejournal.com]

As an oldie I feel justified in saying... "You're still young" and "There's time yet". The fact that you're not even half way through the potential human life span does kind of indicate to me that you've got plenty of time to do all those things you want to do. Not only that but you've got a good few years to figure out which of those things you want to do and which you can admit to yourself are less important. I think they call that priorisation :P.

Finally most ISAs allow you to take money out again, so unless you've got a special lock-in higher interest rate one then you should be able to take it out again - assuming you want to that is...

[satyrica.livejournal.com]

yeah: I guess I know I do still have time- I'm just being gloomy about my ability to spend that time in any more of a focused way than the time I've had already . . .

[diesilla77.livejournal.com]

This is gonna sound so trite...

You can go anywhere you want with all that. You're young, bright, recently qualified and surrounded by a vast number of people who care a great deal for you. You've more coming in than you've ever had before...enjoy the real world for a time, and give yourself in to a burst of something new and reckless. It could well stimulate you in ways you hadn't expected.

[satyrica.livejournal.com]

cheers, yeah, I guess it's direction/focus more than potential that I'm feeling the lack of & I guess that ultimately comes down to me stopping whingeing & getting on with things ;-)

[diesilla77.livejournal.com]

No problem with "whingeing"; it's a way of (at least initially) addressing the issue, sifting through possibilities, focusing, and then getting motivated properly.

I'm charging minimum wage for each word I type, by the way...

x

[winterdreamer.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

I tend to agree with an earlier comment, you have lots of potential, if you want to help people you will. Perhaps that wasn't quite the right place for you, but you have many years ahead to find what you want to do, and i'm sure you will make that difference.

oh and broken film thingy *brain melts out of ear & runs away*

[satyrica.livejournal.com]

thanks ;-) I guess it's getting off my arse & making the most of my potential that i need to make sure I'm doing . . .

[jamese.livejournal.com]

Heya. Completely off topic. In fact I haven't even read the entry :)

You going to Red Eye tonight? If so can you send my mobile a message ... I don't have your number since it went walkies and I've just got a new one. Thinking about it send me a message anyway so I have your number :-)

Jamie
xx